My Multiple Personalities

I have a secret. I have multiple personalities. I have named them Peta & Macie, after the apostles that they resemble, Peter & Thomas. (Of course, since Peter & Thomas also had multiple personalites, you can see the roller coaster ride on which I live.)

Peta is the me who wants to run with the big dogs. She wants to run off to the mission field and ignore everything else. She likes to talk the talk, but her walk is sometimes more like a crawl. There are times that my faith is strong enough to walk on water, like Peter's. And quite often, that's when I begin to sink--not because the faith is unwarranted, but because I can't keep my focus where it should be. There are times when I want to deny Christ because I'm afraid of the repercussions. Unlike Peter, I don't actually fear for my life, I fear losing control of my life. I also fear that I won't be able to live up to my expectations of myself and will end up being a poor example of Christ. So, in that fear, I sometimes wish I could deny Christ, but I am thankful that I can't anymore. I did for a while: I ran from him and denied him and turned my back on him. But he pulled me back into his arms, and I am also thankful for that.

When I think about those 8 years without Christ, I choose think of my other personality, Macie. I love the story of Thomas because it is so comforting to me. I love to recall that in John 11:16, Thomas urged the other disciples to follow Jesus to Judea, where Lazarus was dying, and where Jesus had almost been stoned to death, saying "Let us go also so that we may die with him." I imagine this exasperated sigh, "Okay, fine, Jesus. If we can't talk any sense into you, we may as well all go." So great was his love for Christ, he was willing to go back to Judea, knowing that they would probably all be killed. It's an interesting picture of faith: he had faith that in death he would be redeemed through Christ, but not so much faith in Jesus' ability to prevail in life. Wow, I can relate. And then, just a little while later in John 20, we see Thomas's crisis of faith. He just could not believe that Jesus had risen from the dead without touching his wounds. You know what I find comforting about this? That Jesus had enough compassion to go to Thomas, to let (no, urge) Thomas to touch his wounds for proof. Another wow. And then Jesus said this: "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." And that's when I remember that I'm not Thomas at all. I am one of the blessed ones who have not seen and yet have believed.

My faith is so strong when it comes to questions of death: I know that when I die I will go to heaven, I will live with Christ. But when it comes to questions of life, my faith tends to fall a little flat. I need to live with Christ NOW. So, I take these lessons from Peter and Thomas: When I feel myself sinking in life, I need to get my focus on Christ. And when I feel my faith wavering, I need to ask God to come to me and show me what he knows I need to keep going. And I always need to remember that I'm one of the blessed ones, not because I live in the United States and have a home and a car and a great church, but because I have been given the opportunity and the privilege of believing without seeing.

Schoooool's Out for Summer...

It's the last day of school. Summertime is so bittersweet for me. I just love the laziness of summer, and the time with my kids. I want them to have fun and make memories, like I did as a kid. But it makes me so much more aware of how fast they're growing up. I feel like I've just lost another year of their childhood.

I know I'm having my empty nest worries a little early (they're 4, 8 & 10), but I just don't want to waste any time with them. Sadly, I can see how much time I am losing and wasting: watching tv instead of playing Monopoly, yelling at them for not listening instead of laying down the law and moving on, posting to my blog instead of telling all of this to them. But I know I'm also being a bit unrealistic about all of that. I can't let my life revolve around them. I guess I just need to make a list of goals and set about making them happen. So here goes:

1. Spend some time alone with each child.
2. Turn off the tv and play a board game every Thursday night.
3. Give them regular chores, along with rewards and consequences, so I don't have to nag them and lose my patience with them.
4. Schedule family meetings so we can discuss things as a family instead of getting into the "that's not fair!" arguments that just won't stop in my house.
5. Try to understand that my son (middle child) is always going to be concerned about fairness, and try to give him an outlet for his frustrations when things just can't be fair.
6. Schedule weekly date nights with my husband, so our kids can see that we value each other, our marriage, and our family commitment.
   
7. Spend some time doing nothing, but also plan lots and lots of fun (cheap) activities for the summer so we'll always remember how much fun we "used to have."
   
8. Teach them something, but make it fun: piano, guitar, etc.
   

I'm so aware right now of how often as a mom I have "wished their childhood away." When they were in diapers, I looked forward to their being potty trained. When they were home, I looked forward to the beginning of school. When they were in school, I looked forward to summer. No wonder I didn't enjoy my oldest child's preschool years as much as I am my youngest's.

My resolution for this summer is to enjoy the time we are in when we are in it, and refuse to look backward or forward.

God Bless Us Every One?

I read an article entitled Lunch on God's Dime on the UPI Religion & Spirituality Forum this morning written by one of my favorite bloggers, Meg@CelebrateVida. She wrote about her discomfort with the idea that God would bless some while "refusing" to bless others. Does he really do that? And what does it mean mean if he removes those blessings from our lives? Please read the article; it will make you think.

I've had similar questions. I heard a debate between some Christians and non-Christians, and of course the question of suffering was raised: "How could a just, loving God allow the suffering that exists in the world today?" The thing that surprised me is that the Christians couldn't answer the question with anything substantial. I began praying that God would help me understand. I read Philip Yancey's Where is God When it Hurts? and some other books, and they helped me see that suffering exists because we live in a fallen world. But that wasn't enough for me (maybe it should be, but it's not). I knew that God could change things, so why doesn't he?

I even questioned Romans 8:28: if "in all things God works for the good of those who love him," does that mean that when things don't work out, it's a sign that I don't truly love God? Does that mean that God exploits people's suffering? Finally, I've concluded that if Romans 8:28 is true (and I know it is), then he must expect us to use suffering as an opportunity to love one another fully.

Last year, when my father-in-law died after a long, painful fight with cancer, I asked even more questions: When I thank God for my health, am I suggesting that somehow God didn't find my father-in-law worthy of good health? Or that I am somehow more worthy? Or that God didn't care? I know that he wasn't paying the price for some sin: that would suggest a punitive, uncaring God when I know that God is forgiving and loving.

But could our society be paying a "price" for our collective decisions? Could we be losing our loved ones because, as a society, we have chosen to pour our focus, our money, our time, our energy on material (the American Dream) and trivial things (sports, movies, etc.) rather than on loving one another? If we, as a society, had focused our energy and money on caring for each other, might we have found a cure for cancer and AIDS, an answer to malnutrition, by now?

What if Christians had done that? What if Christ's churches had focused our spiritual and intellectual power on caring for the world instead of on attacking non-Christians and each other? Would we have changed the world for Jesus? Would we have truly been the light of the world?

Matthew 5:14-16: You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

John 17:20-23: I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you...May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.

Persecution Complex

I read a great post on Think Christian this morning about the dueling extremists in the US today, all claiming they are being persecuted by the other side. I have grown so tired of the vocal minority of Christians claiming that we are being persecuted by liberals. The conspiracy theorists, who thrive on enmity, are not doing much, in my view, to "further the Kingdom". All I see are a bunch of people whining because someone has the audacity to question our view on the world and not see things the way we do.

When people talk about religious persecution of Christians in the US, I have to cringe because there is still REAL persecution of believers all over the world. We should never get into the habit of hyperbole lest we make light of the real victims of persecution.

In the US, we have so many freedoms that we take for granted every day. We have the right to speak (and post) and act on our views and our opinions. To scream "unfair" because the "other side" speaks and acts on their convictions as well is simply ignorant. What I see is a spoiled child, who has always gotten her way, throwing a tantrum when things don't go the way she wants them to.

I think there are two main points (obvious as they may seem) to remember on this issue:
1. Our opponents are not "heathens". Some of our opponents are God-fearing liberals who see inconsistencies between our country's goals and our reality, and who want to make this world better for the "orphans and widows" . Just because we have different ideas about how to make that happen does not mean that we need to attack them or question their values.

2. And as to those who are not Christians: we have to understand the basic principle that they are NOT called to live our life. Nowhere in the Bible do I find God commanding non-believers to act like they believe. Why? Because non-believers will not read the Bible, so they can't be expected to live by it. (I know that sounded elementary, but it seems that some people just don't get that basic point.) Yes, we are to keep ourselves from being polluted by the world, (same reference as above) but that's on us, not on them. It is not their responsibility to make sure that the world is as WE expect it to be.

I'll end with one last thought: It seems that, because Paul told us not to be conformed to the world, we decided that the easiest thing would be to conform the world to us. But, isn't that the same thing? Aren't we just trying to avoid living in a world that hates us by making them think and act like us? But Christ told us that the world would hate us and he commanded us to be the light to that world. What kind of light are we being when we throw a temper tantrum just because the world is exactly like Jesus warned us it would be?

--april

Addicted to the 'net

For a while, with an old (OLD!) computer, we were not able to really use the internet to its full potential. Now, we have a new computer, and I'm becoming addicted. I started this blog because I was inspired by other blogs that I've visited, but I'm finding out that there's so much on the internet I want to read that I don't have time to post.
So, here are some sites that I can't seem to stop reading:

Relevant magazine

Think Christian

Here's my Bible reading plan on BibleGateway (I've been on day 5 for 5 days now, which just goes to show you how distracted I get).

The problem is that I just keep finding links to great things to read, which leads to other links to more great things to read, and pretty soon my 4-year-old is asking what's for lunch and I realize I'm a horrible mommy. This morning on ThinkChristian, I found a link to a quiz on the biblical references on the tv show Lost. I'm a huge fan of the show, but I'm not smart enough to pick up on all the subtleties. However, I'm not too proud to let other people point them out to me. Here's the quiz.

Check these out. Just remember to feed your kids today.

--april

Wow! I'm a blogger!

Okay. So I've finally gone and done it: I've started the blog I've talked about for months. But why? Isn't that the question? I don't know if anyone will ever read any of this, so I guess I'm just doing it for me: for a reason to write, a way to keep track of my life, a new way to remember all of those thoughts that I'll forget in a year, a way to look back and see how I've changed (and hopefully grown). As a Christian, I want to know that God is working in my life and changing me for the better, but sometimes it's difficult to keep track of that maturity. Now, I can look back in a year and see if I've let God work in me and grow me into the person He wants me to be. And if not, I'll be able to see in what areas I need to give up some control.

And then there's the fellowship. I've lurked and read and commented on blogs for a while, and what I've loved is the opportunity for authentic relationships with strangers. (What a strange concept.) When you can hide behind a keyboard, you don't have the need for a facade, and you can be as vulnerable as you choose.

So, we'll see how it goes. I hope this all works and that I stick with it. If not, I guess I'll learn from that too.

--april