April's Showers

I'm a Teacher

2008-07-23T07:06:00.000-07:00

Thirteen years ago, before Darby was born, the plan was that I would be a stay-at-home mom until the kids were older, and then I'd actually use my education degree to earn a living. Well, the time is here. In a little over a month, I will be teaching English Language Arts to 10th and 11th graders.
I'm excited and nervous and scared to death. But I'm sure I'll do fine. I just have to keep telling myself that: "I'll be fine; I'll be fine; I'll be fine..."

I'm worried about being a working mom. Spending time with each of the kids, taking them to their activities, volunteering at church, keeping up with the housekeeping. All this while working full-time. How do you working moms do it? I've never been a good housekeeper. In fact I'm a horrible housekeeper: even as a stay-at-home mom. I've always believed that the mess will be there tomorrow, but the kids will leave someday. So I spend more time playing Pictionary and Scrabble Junior, and not so much time dusting and mopping. Now, I'm wondering how I'm going to get it all done. Any help out there? I never took to Flylady.com, although I think she's brilliant. Sidetracked Home Executives was pretty good with their 3x5 cards. But I have a hard time sticking to a system. Maybe the structure of working will help with that. I'm open to suggestions.

There are so many changes in my life right now, I'm more than a little stressed. I keep reminding myself that this will be good for the family, good for me, good for our finances, good for our marriage. But change is hard, and I'm having a hard time keeping up with it all.

I keep wishing that I could go back in time 13 years and do it all again. It feels like I'm leaving a part of me behind. Ever since Darby started walking at 10 months, I have known that every step is a step away from me. Now I feel like I'm stepping away from them and it's a little scary. I'm sure that in a year I'll be saying that it was easier than I'd feared, but right now, I'm not sure I'm ready.

Well, It's a Start...

2008-04-08T05:23:00.000-07:00

I've been told repeatedly that I should start blogging again, so this is my return to the blogosphere. Sorry for any disappointment it may cause.

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
- Mitch Hedberg

Preteen Ministry Blog

2007-07-26T09:19:00.000-07:00

I just started a new blog today, called Preteen Ministry. Really original title, I know. Anyway, it's mainly for our Underground Programming Team, so that we can share ideas, and store curriculum for our kids in the future. However, I hope it might grow to be a resource for other people in preteen ministry. There are some great youth ministry sites out there, but I've had a hard time finding things that aren't too mature or too "childish" for our extremely cool, but hopefully still quite innocent, preteens.
When I look for video clips, I don't want to have to weed through the rated R movies, or even the PG-13 movies that I'm leery of endorsing. But I don't want to always be showing Disney or Pixar movies. I've found some great ones, but the kids will soon be tired of Lord of the Rings and Narnia. I wish I didn't feel so awkward showing Harry Potter: there are some great things there, but some parents might flinch.

2007-07-25T13:37:00.000-07:00

Great post on Think Christian from Monday. "Former LA Times religion writer William Lobdell tells a sad and moving story about how his job as a religion reporter wore down his faith." It seems that the reality of sin in God's churches led this writer to question, and ultimately lose, his faith.
It's sad, but true, that sin exists in God's followers as much as it does in the world. It's the problem with free will and sin and living in a fallen world. And it makes me angry.
One of the responses on TC suggested that Lobdell's faith must not have been real. Real faith can't be lost. But what's the point of questioning whether or not the author's faith was genuine to begin with? I can tell you with complete confidence and conviction that my faith was very strong and very real before I lost it. There is no doubt that I truly believed...and then I truly didn't. My reason was the same as that stated by Lobdell: the lack of evidence in God's followers.
I see now, as a more mature follower, that sometimes faith IS a choice. Lobdell wrote, "Either you have the gift of faith or you don't. It's not a choice. It can't be willed into existence." No, it can't be willed into existence, God has to plant the seed, but I find that I do have to choose to nurture that seed. Satan can put lots of evidence in front of me that God doesn't exist, but I have to choose to look for God around me and seek him out. God's followers aren't perfect, and sometimes we can be just as filthy as the world around us. And that is one of the saddest realities of sin. But I have to choose to focus on the things that support and build up my faith. That doesn't mean hiding my head in the sand and pretending that God's followers are perfect. It means facing the filth head-on, while looking for (and being) the evidence of God's love to the world. While I might be disgusted by the way some of God's people act, I can choose to be part of the light that Jesus commanded us to be, and in doing so, I am contradicting Satan's lies to myself and to people like Lobdell .
I'm posting about this because want to be reminded of this article. I want to read it when I need reminding of what happens when we choose to focus on the sin around us instead of the Redeemer and the possibilities that he offers us. God doesn't hit us over the head; he doesn't force us to believe. But he gives us plenty of opportunities to see him if we'll just open our eyes to him.

Applause (Lesson #1)

2007-07-24T07:26:00.000-07:00

Last year, we tried something new at our church, but because of time restraints, we had to set it aside. Now, it looks like God has opened up a new door for it, so we're looking at starting it up again. It is a creative arts class for our Undergrounders (preteens), called Applause. The basic idea is that each month, or six-week period, or whatever is needed, a church member who has a strength or talent will come teach the kids for a short 20-to-30-minute class. (I know that's not long enough, but it's what we've got.)

The thought behind it is this: God created us in his own image and since God is creative and uses his creativity regularly, we should do the same. The name, Applause, comes from the idea that we should be giving our talents as applause (or worship) to God instead of seeking applause for ourselves. One reason that Becky, a Crossgate church member, had the idea originally is that these kids are going to be worship leaders, pastors, teachers, etc., in 10-15 years, so let's teach them now that worship doesn't have to look a certain way. God doesn't expect worship to come packaged neatly in a 10-minute singing session before preaching once a week. He is more creative than that. I can worship through a poem, a novel, a blog post; some people worship through drama, song, dance, even something as technical as manning the sound board during service can be an act of worship. We need to show that to these kids now before they get locked into some box that is their idea of what God is and what worshiping God is.

This is my brainstorming session on our first month's topic: God's creativity.

God made man in his own image. And he saw that it was good. What does it mean that we were made in God's image? (Kids answer, probably not in their own words: we have three parts, we have free will, we have the potential for some of the same traits as God: mercy, love, jealousy, etc.—yes, we have some really insightful kids.)

After God created man, what happened? (Garden of Eden, fruit, sin...)

After sin entered the world and man, do we still have the image of God in us? (yes)

I don't feel very Godly most of the time, with all that sin covering up God's image. But God's image is still there, underneath all that sin, isn't it? That's pretty amazing. I was made in God's image and so God's image is still inside me somewhere, even when I'm sinning. But I'm covering up the beauty of God with sin.

Someone tell me what you know about heaven. (Pearly gates, streets of gold, no sin, perfection...)
Sounds nice. But if God made such a perfect, beautiful place and then let people covered in sin come there, would it be beautiful anymore? No. That beautiful place would turn into earth, basically, wouldn't it? So heaven wouldn't be very heavenly anymore, would it? So what would be the point of heaven? But God provided a way to wash that sin off so we could go to heaven. What was that? (Christ's death on the cross, salvation)

Right. So when I was saved at the age of seven, all that sin went away, right? And now I'm perfect, so all is well. But wait, that's not right. Just today, I got really angry and yelled at someone for cutting me off in traffic, and I was envious that my friend was shopping for new clothes and I can't afford any right now, and I wasn't very respectful to the lady at the store who couldn't seem to figure out how to make change, and...sin, lots and lots of sin. But when I was saved, what did happen? (God forgave my sin, and Christ came into my heart.) What does that mean, Christ came into my heart? (Lead them to understand that the Holy Spirit came into my spirit to lead me. Gal. 4:4-6, Romans 8:14-16)

So God is part of me in two ways: God made me in his image, and then when I was saved, the Holy Spirit entered my spirit, awakening that essence of God that was already there. So how do I improve and build upon that spirit of God that is inside me? (prayer, reading the Bible, going to church, etc.) Exactly. If I learn who God is through Bible study and prayer—learn his qualities, his essence, his personality—then I can spend my time trying to make those parts of me stronger and better, right?

In Applause, we are going to study one aspect of God in particular, his creativity. This is not necessarily the most important aspect of God, but it is one that is often overlooked. And I think every aspect of God must be important, don't you? Jesus summed up the Ten Commandments and the countless Old Testament rules with these two: “Love the Lord, your God, with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind...and ...love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:36-40). I spend a lot of time on Sunday mornings talking about loving others, and showing the world God's love. And that is very important. But we need to also put every bit of us—our hearts, souls, and minds—into loving and worshiping God, every day. That comes first. And I think that takes creativity.

Now we're going to see some evidence of God's creativity in the world around us. (Show them a video clip from the Planet Earth series that highlights that—something similar to the National Geographic article "Hawaii's Unearthly Worms"; or just show them the pictures from the NG article.)

God's creativity is everywhere around us. When I'm really struggling with a problem, and I need to remember that God's got it all under control, I like to go outside for a walk and surround myself with his creation. It helps me remember his awesome power, but it also reminds me that God doesn't always do things the way I would do them if I were him. If I could have created the world, I probably would have created one kind of worm, or maybe two, or maybe I wouldn't have had the foresight to create those slimy, dirty things in the first place. Or maybe I would have made them less slimy and a little prettier, but then they wouldn't have been as effective at what they do. God is so much more creative than I could ever be, so whatever is going on in my life, maybe God knows a better way to deal with it than my little brain can handle.

Before next week, I want you to to take a walk outside. While you are walking, I want you to pray silently that God will help you see him. Just something as simple as that, “God, please help me see you on this walk.” Then look around you and really see God's creation. It doesn't matter if you live in the country or in town, you can see creation everywhere. In fact, the image of a flower forcing it's way through a crack in cement says a lot about God to me. Next week be prepared to tell me about something you saw and how God could speak to you through it.

Freedom #2

2007-07-20T06:16:00.000-07:00

Underground Curriculum on Freedom.

Week 2: The track

If you take a train of any kind and place it on the open road, what happens? Nothing. A train needs a track in order to progress. The train's freedom to do what it is supposed to do comes from the track. Without it, the train is just a heap of metal.

Our track is God's plan. Daily, we have to choose to follow God's plan in our lives or to jump off the track and find our own way. Unlike the train, our lives will move either way. But there is freedom in being the person God created each of us to be.
A disobedient child may choose the freedom of jumping out of the tree house, but once his leg is broken, his freedom is lost. The obedient child will choose to climb down and will then be able to run to his next activity.

There is a definite disconnect between the world view and God's view here. And it is understandable. Religion seems stifling and binding, the world offers a freedom to choose whatever we want to do or be. But that is part of Satan's lies to us. Following God does not mean following some prescribed set of rules that are solely meant to make life miserable. Jesus gave us few commands: Love God and Love Others (Matt 22:36-40) and tell people about Him and teach them who He really is and what He really wants (Matt 28:18-20). The Old Testament is full of rules that God gave his people, and some of those rules are just good common sense. But they aren't rules that are meant to rule us: God is to rule us. The whole point of those rules was to point us to the fact that we can't do it without God (Gal 3:24). The Pharisees and Sadducees in the New Testament were constantly being blasted by Jesus because they made the rules their god instead of looking to the true God.

Gen. 3:1-24
Satan convinced Eve (and she convinced Adam) that disobeying God would lead to more freedom. He told her that if she ate the fruit she would become like God. She chose that false freedom over God's plan. And the consequences were severe. The most severe was simply that sin was introduced to humanity. Adam and Eve became aware of their sin and felt shame. They hid from God, something they had never felt compelled to do before, out of shame and fear. God took them out of the garden, the beautiful place God had made just for them, and they had to find their own way in the world. They had to provide their own food and protect themselves from the harsh reality of the world.

In the same way, when we choose the world's way instead of God's, we lose the beautiful life that God has planned for us, and we lose God's protection and provision in our lives.

Freedom #1

2007-07-20T04:20:00.000-07:00

I help program for the preteen ministry at our church, The Underground. The name came, in part, because we were given a section of a storage room on the bottom floor. But our graphics focus on the Underground subway system. Our focus is on Freedom, and our verse is Gal. 5:13.
In August we are going to do a short study on freedom as a way to introduce our program to our new 5th graders, and this post is the formation of that study. If it rambles, that's why.

Week 1: The train (Free will).
The movement of a subway train represents each person's life. We are always going somewhere, never just wandering around. Even when it seems like we have no destination, everything we do, every choice we make, leads somewhere.
Gen. 2:4-25. God made Adam in God's own image and then placed Adam in the Garden of Eden. It was an ideal place, and life was wonderful. Even in paradise, there was work to do and there were choices to be made. Adam chose to be obedient because he loved God and because God had provided and had been all he had ever needed. God created Eve as a helpmate, and they were happy. They felt no shame because there was no sin or guilt.

Each of us is made in God's image. We have the ability and freedom to choose every day whom we will follow. When we stick to God's plan, God provides for us and protects us. That doesn't mean there won't be hardships (this is earth after all, not heaven), but God is with us every moment of every day. Our relationship with God is solely dependent on our own decisions: that doesn't mean that God punishes us for our mistakes by withholding himself, it means that he won't force himself on us if we don't seek him out. God forgives our mistakes, and he will do that daily, hourly, or more, if need be, but he will not take away our free will.

Free will. Everyone wants freedom, that's part of humanity. A child wants to escape from his mother's grasp and toddle off. (For a moment or two anyway.) Who would ever want to be forced to love or to obey someone else? There is joy in making a choice to love. Why didn't God just take away the choice and make it easy on us all? Because he wants to be loved, not simply obeyed. I can force my children to obey me by using a belt on their backsides, but nothing I do can force them to love me. I must build that by showing them love and by teaching them to trust me. That is free will. That is the basis of love. And God is the origin of love. It is impossible to truly love without freedom.

I'm looking for a movie clip to illustrate this point. Maybe something in "The Chronicles of Narnia". Week 2 will follow.

On Summer and Life

2007-06-12T04:27:00.001-07:00

Well, I haven't posted in almost 4 months. And it was 3 months before that one. I hope it's not a trend.

Obviously, I've been busy. And tired. I'm told that that happens when you have three kids, so I guess I'll survive.

I've been looking forward to summer...spending time with the kids, relaxing, sleeping in once in a while. Okay, maybe not. This month has been even busier than most months during school. Swim lessons, guitar lessons, soccer camp, getting ready for a vacation. Okay, vacation seems promising: lying on the beach, listening to the waves and my kids playing, and my youngest saying, "Mom, Mom, look...Mom, Mom, look what I did...Mom, Mom..." Okay, maybe not quite like the last time I was there: on our honeymoon, no kids, no distractions. But, maybe better in some ways. My kids getting to see the ocean for the first time ever, watching them play in the waves and build sandcastles, and bury themselves in the sand...

I hope I cherish it for what it is. Along with the rest of the summer.

My youngest will start Kindergarten in the fall, my middle starts Intermediate School and my oldest will start Middle School. I'm trying not to focus on the negative: more and more places to be and things to do, less time together, moving closer and closer to the inevitable empty nest. I need to focus on the positive: my kids will one day be responsible, happy adults with lives and families of their own. But right now they are mine, and I'm going to cherish them and their lives, even in the chaos that it creates.

The Role of a Mother

2007-02-26T07:07:00.000-08:00

I'm a mother of three. I have two girls, ages 11 & 5, and a boy, age 9. I take this job of mothering very seriously. One result of that is that my children think I'm horrible. In this instance it's that I won't allow my girls to have Bratz dolls. They, in turn, think I'm an awful, old-fashioned prude.

I am happy to announce that the American Psychological Association has done a study that shows that Bratz are harmful to our girls. The study is on the sexualization of our girls and the effect that has on them as they mature. It's no surprise that our kids are surrounded by sexualization in the media everywhere they turn and that that will have an effect on them. What has always surprised me is that mothers buy these dolls and give them to their daughters without giving it a second thought.

I know the problems with Barbie: she's not a normal size, she teaches our girls that they should all be tall and skinny, with huge breasts. There was a moment after the Bratz dolls came out when I was excited about a multicultural doll that had hips and curves. I actually thought that no one would buy their bikini- and fishnet-clad dolls and they would go back to the drawing board, scrub off her makeup, take away the drug-induced stupor from her eyes, and give her some decent clothes, and that my daughters would have a healthy doll to play with.

I actually thought that mothers would be outraged by the clothes. But that didn't happen. Instead mothers went out and actually bought these trashy-looking dolls for their own children. So now, we have a choice between a tall, skinny, blonde who has some signs of intelligence (her careers), but who might give our daughters an unhealthy body image, or a scantily-clad sexpot whose sole desire seems to be shopping and looking trashy. Thank God for Groovy Girls.

I've imagined this scene at Mattell for some time now.

A man enters the boardroom to propose a new Barbie doll. "Ladies and Gentlemen, Barbie has held many jobs. Some have been very traditional roles for women: ballerina, fairy princess, chef. Others have been more traditionally men's roles: dentist, doctor, CEO. But in the past few years, I think we've seen a return to tradition for more and more women in our society. More women are staying home and embracing the idea of motherhood rather than career, and our dolls have reflected that. In fact, when Barbie's married sister became pregnant, she was embraced by our kids as a traditional mother and role model. Now I would like to see us take the lead in representing what women have really meant to many men over the years: Sexpot Barbie. We could plaster her face with make-up, give her pouty lips and a drug-induced trance, dress her in ludicrous outfits, and she could either work as a prostitute or simply be a trophy wife for Ken. After all, what could be more traditional than making women feel like trash, and passing that ideology on to our children?"

After he is laughed out of the boardroom, MGA welcomes him in with open arms, relishing the idea of turning little girls into sexpots, and showing them where a woman's place in the world really is. These men take Sexpot Barbie and run with her, calling her a Brat so that mothers the world over will be fooled into thinking that they're cute. So that mothers the world over won't notice that their daughters are being taught to wear the trashiest of clothes and focus on nothing but the next shopping spree. Because mothers the world over seem to have forgotten OUR role.

Cerulean Sactum's Bible-Reading Plan

2007-01-14T14:29:00.000-08:00

Think Christian had a link to Cerulean Sanctum's post entitled "The World's Best Bible-Reading Program." He writes, "While reading through the Bible in a year is a worthy endeavor, it's an artificial one. God's not so much interested in us making it through all 66 books in 365.25 days. What He desires of us is that we understand what we read in His word, ruminate on it, and then do something with what we've read. With some of the plans out there, I could spend an entire year reading the Bible and not remember one whit of it, nor put into practice even one of its commands."

I love his idea. He suggests that instead of trying to read the Bible through in one year, we should read and re-read one chapter as many times as it takes us to "get it" and "live it". I agree with him that the artificial aspect of chapters and verses can really mess up the flow of a book. It wasn't written that way, so why read it that way?

I'm afraid I've used the feast-or-famine approach to Bible reading. I'll pick up a Bible in January, with every intention of reading it through in a year, but then I'll get behind and get discouraged, and then give it up. So then I'll revert to the "read-wherever-it-opens" plan, or the "read what I need to read for next Sunday's lesson" plan. Neither of those are very good either. I'm going to try this plan, and I'll let you know how it works for me.

Thoughts on Fish, Bread, and Parenting...

2006-11-01T07:37:00.000-08:00

A friend died yesterday. He was a godly husband and father who genuinely cared about people. He worked hard, he taught his children to love God, he treated everyone with respect. He met my husband at a fellowship once and every time he saw me after that, he asked about him. Not just to be nice, but because he was concerned that my husband didn't attend church. We had several conversations about my husband's beliefs and I know he prayed for us. He cared about my husband's soul...and he barely knew him.

On the way to work, before I heard the bad news, I was listening to a kids' song that had me crying again. The song is called "When Mama Fixed a Lunch," and it's about a mom who fixed her son a lunch of fish and bread and then sent him to learn from Jesus. Of course, Jesus used that lunch to feed thousands of people. The reason the song gets me is because it reminds me of how important those little daily, mundane tasks are when Jesus gets hold of them. "She didn't know how far it would go when Mama fixed a lunch one day." How often do we get bogged down in the boring routine of parenting? Wiping noses and bottoms; fixing meals and snacks; cleaning houses, toys, clothes, dishes; tucking kids into bed; singing the ABCs twenty-three times in a row; driving to soccer, church, Boy Scouts, Awana. And then getting up and doing it all again the next day. It can be draining, can't it? Sometimes I wonder why I'm doing it all.

But the boy in the story had someone who cared for him, who provided for him, who fixed him a lunch before he left. That's more than I can say for anyone else in the story. The other people were hungry; they obviously hadn't thought about preparing for lunch time. The disciples didn't know what to do. But Jesus did. He wasn't going to send them away. He knew that the people needed to hear what he was saying to them. They needed him. When he told the disciples to find some food, Andrew found the boy and his basket of bread and fish. As surprising as it is to me, the disciples didn't expect this miracle. I don't know why. They had seen Jesus perform miracles before, they knew the story of Elijah and the widow woman's oil, but for some reason they didn't expect this. But when they gave the boy's lunch to Jesus, he gave thanks for it and he distributed it between the people. After they fed the 5000-plus people, they had 12 baskets of leftover bread.

I get a few lessons from this story. One is that Jesus cared about the physical needs of the people he was talking to. He knew they were hungry, but he wanted to keep teaching them because they needed to hear what he was saying. But he couldn't just ignore that hunger. He had felt hunger, and he sympathized. Jesus, because he walked the earth in a human body, has experienced hunger and pain. And he took care of these people. When I start feeling run-down and exhausted from all that parenting, I need to ask him to sustain me so I can keep doing what I know he needs me to do.

Another lesson is that I need to keep listening. Jesus was standing in front of this crowd of people teaching them valuable truths about God. They were learning from the true Messiah. I envy that. I wish I could see and feel and hear him. I sometimes feel lost and confused and wish he would just send me a detailed memo telling me exactly what he wants from me. But I also know that if I'll stop worrying about those little things that I think I have to worry about, and focus on Jesus, he'll take care of me and talk to me. I need to stop worrying so much about today's pet project and pick up my Bible.

And the third lesson is that I get from this is about that boy's mom. She did what any loving parent does: she provided. She knew he would get hungry, so she fixed him a lunch. Simple. And yet, in the hands of Christ, that one little act of love and provision was multiplied thousand-fold. Think of what that means to us. Every little act of provision and love can be multiplied through our children. My children will grow up having seen just a kernel of God's love in me, and as long as they let God have a hand in their lives, the results can be miraculous. Thousands of people saw God's love and provision in that little lunch that day. Many, many more have learned of it since. How many might see that love and provision through our children's lives?

My friend died yesterday, but he left behind two children who know God. They have seen in their father's life a kernel of God's love. He provided and cared for those children because he knew that they were God's provision for his life, and he repaid that by teaching God's love to those kids. I know they will suffer. I know that Caleb will struggle with his anger, and I know that the whole family will have unanswered questions. But they knew a father who loved and provided for them, and I know that in some way, God will multiply that in their lives.

Coveting versus Contentment

2006-09-25T07:14:00.000-07:00

Funny, the little things God does to me. I'm on the programming team for our new pre-teen ministry. Yesterday's lesson was on the 10th commandment, "You shall not covet." This morning, I was looking for some notes I made when we went to a retreat at the Ozark Conference Center in August, and I found a journal entry that I made in the back of that notebook early one morning of the retreat. I had forgotten how recently I had been struggling with this very issue.
Here are some of my notes from that morning:

I come to places like this with the beauty of your creation all around me, and I am in awe of you. I am drawn to Isaiah 6: 3 "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory." I am reminded that "The heavens declare the glory of God" (Ps 19:1). Your creation proclaims your glory to "all the earth" (Ps 19:4). This idyllic scene before me reminds me of Ps. 23. I sit here and see the green pastures and the still waters and remember your provision for me and mine.
And yet I wonder why I don't feel this every day. Every day of my life I am surrounded by the evidence of your glory, your love, your provision. But every day, I look right over those things and want. Not want in the sense of lack, but want in the sense of covet. I am taxed by this tenth commandment. I covet everything I see.
Paul speaks of contentment in Phil 4:11-13. Paul had learned to be content in any circumstance by leaning and relying on you. I look at this world around me, I think of you as shepherd, and I wonder how I could be discontent as your child. How can I see the provision in the creation and want more? How can the superficiality of the world tempt me to covet when I am surrounded by the evidence of your hand? How can the creator of this universe, and all that I can and cannot see, not be enough?
I Tim 6:6-8 "But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that."
Job was distraught over all that he had lost. When he prayed for forgiveness at the end of his struggles, he did it not knowing that God would restore him. He repented and stayed true to God, and then God gave him twice as much as he had had before. He didn't praise God for restoring his wealth, he praised God for God's majesty and power. That's where I fail. I praise God and I thank him for his provision without realizing that his provision is around me, in me, at all times. This body, these tiny cells, are enough to praise him for. Everything else is just covetousness. If I can't be content with this life, then why would God give me more? So all the schemes of man to gain wealth are fruitless because they lead to nothing. "Godliness with contentment is great gain."
In the story of Jonah, God provided what was needed, but not what Jonah wanted.
Jonah 1:17 "But the LORD provided a great fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was inside the fish three days and three nights,"
Jonah 4:6-8 "Then the LORD God provided a vine and made it grow up over Jonah to give shade for his head to ease his discomfort, and Jonah was very happy about the vine. But at dawn the next day God provided a worm, which chewed the vine so that it withered. When the sun rose, God provided a scorching east wind, and the sun blazed on Jonah's head so that he grew faint. He wanted to die, and said, 'It would be better for me to die than to live.'"
Being in the belly of the fish seems like a punishment, but God used that to SAVE Jonah so he could continue to grow. God does that with me too. He provides what I need for spiritual growth, but it's not always what I want or what I think is best.

The reason I write these musings from a month ago is that they are so alive in my mind today. I sometimes feel so inadequate to be teaching kids when I struggle so much with the same issues that I'm teaching them about. But I know that it's God using my service to grow me, and I find another reason to praise him.

Kenzie's aliens

2006-09-11T06:44:00.000-07:00

Last week, on the way to school, Kenzie started telling me about the aliens who visit her in her bedroom at night. They have square heads and a "thing" pointing out at the top. They have long conversations about tiny little monsters that don't exist. The aliens like to pray with her. This is how they pray:
They fold their hands together backwards, and say, "Dear God, please give us a new world. Our world is way too small. We need more room, so please give us a new world."
I asked about this, and she explained that the aliens live on Pluto, and now Pluto is so small it's not even a planet.
I asked her, "If they can come to earth to talk to you, why don't they just go live on another planet, like Mars."
"Oh, mom. Those aliens are way too mean!"

That night, as I was putting her to bed, she pointed at her wall and said, "See, there are the aliens."
On her wall are two pages from a coloring book, tacked up with push pins. Her lamp is on a table below these pages. The shadow cast upward from the pages and the push pins looks like two rectangular heads with a "thing" pointing out. She smiled. I smiled. The aliens smiled.

I have a job interview today to expand my freelance proofreading/editing business. Pray for me.

A Glimpse into Kenzie's Mind

2006-08-30T06:38:00.000-07:00

So, Monday, Kenzie (4) is the doctor, and I am the patient. The diagnosis: Chicken Pops. Of course I need a shot and a lot of medicine, which by the way, tastes like banana splits with hot fudge sauce (like mother, like daughter). Somewhere during the course of play, Dr. Kenzie discovers a huge chicken pop on my big toe. The only course of action, apparently, is to cut it off. Not the chicken pop--the toe. Kenzie leaves the room for a few minutes and returns with a pair of her craft scissors. This is about the time that I realize that I am not entirely engaged in this playtime. I have picked up a magazine and am reading it while she is examining and treating me. I am only half-aware that we are still playing this game, so I am not really prepared to see my 4-year-old daughter coming toward my foot with a pair of blunt-tip scissors, ready to remove my toe! When I jump, she looks startled, smiles shyly, and says, "I wasn't really going to cut it off, mom." What a relief!

Occasionally, Kenzie will reminisce about the time when she had a "different mommy & daddy." Now, this is not true. Kenzie has been ours and only ours since birth, but memory is not static to her. She has the ability to completely rewrite history, and I find this creativity endearing, so I don't correct her. She will have plenty of time in her life to learn that our memories aren't always at our convenience. So yesterday, she told me another story about when she had a different mommy & daddy. This time she explained to me that it was way back when they lived in the sky, above the clouds. Apparently, her "different mommy & daddy" didn't make her eat healthy food, but now she knows that she should.

Here's a predicament: sometimes when Kenzie prays, she imagines God talking to her. Should I allow this or should I correct her? I don't want her to think of God as an imaginary friend, like her boyfriend Jacob (who, incidentally, has died about 100 times, but keeps coming back to life). But I also don't see much harm in it. In fact, I want her to know that God does talk to us, just not in an actual voice. Yesterday, for example, we were praying before lunch, and she said she wanted to pray.
Hands folded, head bowed, eyes closed: "Dear God, why did you make all this healthy food? ... Oh, okay. Just a minute, God."
Looking at me: "He said he made it so we could grow big and healthy."
Head bowed, and eyes closed again: "Thank you, God, for the healthy food."
How do I argue with that?

Crushes Already???

2006-07-20T14:35:00.000-07:00

My 4-yr-old daughter just walked in here and told me that she has a crush on all the boys in her Vacation Bible School class.
I asked her what it means to have a crush, and she said, "It means that I think they're really coooool!" To clarify, I asked if she has a crush on all the boys she knows since they are cool & fun to play with. I knew that she had just heard the word from her older sister & probably just thought it was a word for having a friend.
"No, Mom! That's silly," she said, causing some concern.
"Then, what is a crush?" I asked.
"Well...see, if a little girl like me has a crush, it means that she thinks a boy is really cool and likes to play with him. But if a teenager or an almost-grownup, or someone on TV has a crush, it means that they want to go out on a DATE. But it would be silly for a little girl like me, because we're too little to date. So we just have crushes on boys if we like to look at them." (What? Look at them?!?)
Then she continued, "Last night when we were playing games, every time we were holding hands or hugging, if they weren't looking at me, I would look at them like this..." She then proceeded to bat her eyelashes and pucker her lips. I took a breath and explained to her that the boys might not like for her to do that.
"But mom, sometimes I like to do that. Especially to the boy in the Orange shirt. What's his name?"
"Caleb?"
"Yeah, Caleb. And the boy in the blue shirt. What's his name?"
"Nicholas?"
"Yeah, Nicholas. They're sooo cool. But they aren't my friends 'cause they don't talk to me."
"Well, honey, I think they're both just a little shy. And I think that you need to stop blinking and puckering at them and ask them to play with you. You can just ask if they want to build something out of Legos, or you can pretend to fix them some food in the play kitchen. But try to make friends with them, okay? That's what Jesus would like."
"Okay."

Oh. No! She's FOUR! Think I need to start limiting the television a little more?

The Image of a Piece of Wood

2006-07-12T04:23:00.000-07:00

Andy at Think Christian posted this article about the cross. He asked whether or not the cross as a symbol still has meaning or if it has become so commonplace that it doesn't mean anything anymore.

"Has the cross reached this state—is it so commonplace that it has no real value as a symbol in 21st-century America? When you see a cross—in a church, in a museum, on a website or a business card—what do you feel? Awe, sorrow, humility, worshipfulness, annoyance, anger, or nothing at all? Has it retained its symbolic power and majesty after so many years of use and misuse? Or is it now just a decoration, one whose historical and cultural baggage actually gets in the way of meditation on Christ’s sacrifice?"

He asks if we should be offended that Madonna and Kanye West have used crucifixion imagery in a worldly way.

Predictably, someone commented that we need to reclaim that image for our faith. Once again, I am shocked at the idea that we are trying so hard to "defend Christ", as if he needs that from us. Is that why Christ formed the church? To have a group of people to police the image of God? To ensure that someone would look out for him? Or to carry out the Great Commission?

Phil 2:5-11 reads:
"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."

If Christ didn't focus on his image, why should we? If Christ wasn't worried about his "rights" why should we be? Do we really think that our purpose is to defend Christ?

In the garden of Gethsemane, after Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss, one of the disciples (Peter) pulled out his sword & cut off the ear of a soldier to try & stop him from arresting Jesus.
"'Put your sword back in its place,' Jesus said to him, 'for all who draw the sword will die by the sword. Do you think I cannot call on my Father, and he will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels? But how then would the Scriptures be fulfilled that say it must happen in this way?'" Matthew 26:52,53

Defending Christ is not our job. Jesus said 15 times: "He who has an ear, let him hear." When I read about Peter cutting off the soldier's ear, I think that God, the ultimate author, was being blunt with his symbolism. When we try to defend Christ, are we cutting off the ears of those who would listen? And does the form our defense takes matter? In other words, if "all who draw the sword will die by the sword", doesn't that mean that if our sword is our words, our words will betray us? If our sword is politics, our politics will fail? Whatever form our defense of Christ takes, Satan will use it to turn it around on us, and ultimately, on the image of Christ.

We have to stop fighting for our image and the image of Christ. We have to see that the more we fight for that image, the more damage we do to it.

I will continue to be awed by the cross as the ultimate example of Christ's humility. I hope that I never allow that meaning to become common or banal in my mind. And I hope that Christians will always see the underlying meaning of that hunk of wood. But I also hope that we will never allow the excuse of defending a piece of wood come between the church and our purpose.

My Multiple Personalities

2006-05-31T04:52:00.000-07:00

I have a secret. I have multiple personalities. I have named them Peta & Macie, after the apostles that they resemble, Peter & Thomas. (Of course, since Peter & Thomas also had multiple personalites, you can see the roller coaster ride on which I live.)

Peta is the me who wants to run with the big dogs. She wants to run off to the mission field and ignore everything else. She likes to talk the talk, but her walk is sometimes more like a crawl. There are times that my faith is strong enough to walk on water, like Peter's. And quite often, that's when I begin to sink--not because the faith is unwarranted, but because I can't keep my focus where it should be. There are times when I want to deny Christ because I'm afraid of the repercussions. Unlike Peter, I don't actually fear for my life, I fear losing control of my life. I also fear that I won't be able to live up to my expectations of myself and will end up being a poor example of Christ. So, in that fear, I sometimes wish I could deny Christ, but I am thankful that I can't anymore. I did for a while: I ran from him and denied him and turned my back on him. But he pulled me back into his arms, and I am also thankful for that.

When I think about those 8 years without Christ, I choose think of my other personality, Macie. I love the story of Thomas because it is so comforting to me. I love to recall that in John 11:16, Thomas urged the other disciples to follow Jesus to Judea, where Lazarus was dying, and where Jesus had almost been stoned to death, saying "Let us go also so that we may die with him." I imagine this exasperated sigh, "Okay, fine, Jesus. If we can't talk any sense into you, we may as well all go." So great was his love for Christ, he was willing to go back to Judea, knowing that they would probably all be killed. It's an interesting picture of faith: he had faith that in death he would be redeemed through Christ, but not so much faith in Jesus' ability to prevail in life. Wow, I can relate. And then, just a little while later in John 20, we see Thomas's crisis of faith. He just could not believe that Jesus had risen from the dead without touching his wounds. You know what I find comforting about this? That Jesus had enough compassion to go to Thomas, to let (no, urge) Thomas to touch his wounds for proof. Another wow. And then Jesus said this: "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." And that's when I remember that I'm not Thomas at all. I am one of the blessed ones who have not seen and yet have believed.

My faith is so strong when it comes to questions of death: I know that when I die I will go to heaven, I will live with Christ. But when it comes to questions of life, my faith tends to fall a little flat. I need to live with Christ NOW. So, I take these lessons from Peter and Thomas: When I feel myself sinking in life, I need to get my focus on Christ. And when I feel my faith wavering, I need to ask God to come to me and show me what he knows I need to keep going. And I always need to remember that I'm one of the blessed ones, not because I live in the United States and have a home and a car and a great church, but because I have been given the opportunity and the privilege of believing without seeing.

Schoooool's Out for Summer...

2006-05-26T11:42:00.000-07:00

It's the last day of school. Summertime is so bittersweet for me. I just love the laziness of summer, and the time with my kids. I want them to have fun and make memories, like I did as a kid. But it makes me so much more aware of how fast they're growing up. I feel like I've just lost another year of their childhood.

I know I'm having my empty nest worries a little early (they're 4, 8 & 10), but I just don't want to waste any time with them. Sadly, I can see how much time I am losing and wasting: watching tv instead of playing Monopoly, yelling at them for not listening instead of laying down the law and moving on, posting to my blog instead of telling all of this to them. But I know I'm also being a bit unrealistic about all of that. I can't let my life revolve around them. I guess I just need to make a list of goals and set about making them happen. So here goes:

Spend some time alone with each child.
Turn off the tv and play a board game every Thursday night.
Give them regular chores, along with rewards and consequences, so I don't have to nag them and lose my patience with them.
Schedule family meetings so we can discuss things as a family instead of getting into the "that's not fair!" arguments that just won't stop in my house.
Try to understand that my son (middle child) is always going to be concerned about fairness, and try to give him an outlet for his frustrations when things just can't be fair.
Schedule weekly date nights with my husband, so our kids can see that we value each other, our marriage, and our family commitment.
Spend some time doing nothing, but also plan lots and lots of fun (cheap) activities for the summer so we'll always remember how much fun we "used to have."
Teach them something, but make it fun: piano, guitar, etc.

I'm so aware right now of how often as a mom I have "wished their childhood away." When they were in diapers, I looked forward to their being potty trained. When they were home, I looked forward to the beginning of school. When they were in school, I looked forward to summer. No wonder I didn't enjoy my oldest child's preschool years as much as I am my youngest's.

My resolution for this summer is to enjoy the time we are in when we are in it, and refuse to look backward or forward.

God Bless Us Every One?

2006-05-09T10:41:00.000-07:00

I read an article entitled Lunch on God's Dime on the UPI Religion & Spirituality Forum this morning written by one of my favorite bloggers, Meg@CelebrateVida. She wrote about her discomfort with the idea that God would bless some while "refusing" to bless others. Does he really do that? And what does it mean mean if he removes those blessings from our lives? Please read the article; it will make you think.

I've had similar questions. I heard a debate between some Christians and non-Christians, and of course the question of suffering was raised: "How could a just, loving God allow the suffering that exists in the world today?" The thing that surprised me is that the Christians couldn't answer the question with anything substantial. I began praying that God would help me understand. I read Philip Yancey's Where is God When it Hurts? and some other books, and they helped me see that suffering exists because we live in a fallen world. But that wasn't enough for me (maybe it should be, but it's not). I knew that God could change things, so why doesn't he?

I even questioned Romans 8:28: if "in all things God works for the good of those who love him," does that mean that when things don't work out, it's a sign that I don't truly love God? Does that mean that God exploits people's suffering? Finally, I've concluded that if Romans 8:28 is true (and I know it is), then he must expect us to use suffering as an opportunity to love one another fully.

Last year, when my father-in-law died after a long, painful fight with cancer, I asked even more questions: When I thank God for my health, am I suggesting that somehow God didn't find my father-in-law worthy of good health? Or that I am somehow more worthy? Or that God didn't care? I know that he wasn't paying the price for some sin: that would suggest a punitive, uncaring God when I know that God is forgiving and loving.

But could our society be paying a "price" for our collective decisions? Could we be losing our loved ones because, as a society, we have chosen to pour our focus, our money, our time, our energy on material (the American Dream) and trivial things (sports, movies, etc.) rather than on loving one another? If we, as a society, had focused our energy and money on caring for each other, might we have found a cure for cancer and AIDS, an answer to malnutrition, by now?

What if Christians had done that? What if Christ's churches had focused our spiritual and intellectual power on caring for the world instead of on attacking non-Christians and each other? Would we have changed the world for Jesus? Would we have truly been the light of the world?

Matthew 5:14-16: You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

John 17:20-23: I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you...May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.

Persecution Complex

2006-05-05T05:58:00.000-07:00

I read a great post on Think Christian this morning about the dueling extremists in the US today, all claiming they are being persecuted by the other side. I have grown so tired of the vocal minority of Christians claiming that we are being persecuted by liberals. The conspiracy theorists, who thrive on enmity, are not doing much, in my view, to "further the Kingdom". All I see are a bunch of people whining because someone has the audacity to question our view on the world and not see things the way we do.

When people talk about religious persecution of Christians in the US, I have to cringe because there is still REAL persecution of believers all over the world. We should never get into the habit of hyperbole lest we make light of the real victims of persecution.

In the US, we have so many freedoms that we take for granted every day. We have the right to speak (and post) and act on our views and our opinions. To scream "unfair" because the "other side" speaks and acts on their convictions as well is simply ignorant. What I see is a spoiled child, who has always gotten her way, throwing a tantrum when things don't go the way she wants them to.

I think there are two main points (obvious as they may seem) to remember on this issue:
1. Our opponents are not "heathens". Some of our opponents are God-fearing liberals who see inconsistencies between our country's goals and our reality, and who want to make this world better for the "orphans and widows" . Just because we have different ideas about how to make that happen does not mean that we need to attack them or question their values.

2. And as to those who are not Christians: we have to understand the basic principle that they are NOT called to live our life. Nowhere in the Bible do I find God commanding non-believers to act like they believe. Why? Because non-believers will not read the Bible, so they can't be expected to live by it. (I know that sounded elementary, but it seems that some people just don't get that basic point.) Yes, we are to keep ourselves from being polluted by the world, (same reference as above) but that's on us, not on them. It is not their responsibility to make sure that the world is as WE expect it to be.

I'll end with one last thought: It seems that, because Paul told us not to be conformed to the world, we decided that the easiest thing would be to conform the world to us. But, isn't that the same thing? Aren't we just trying to avoid living in a world that hates us by making them think and act like us? But Christ told us that the world would hate us and he commanded us to be the light to that world. What kind of light are we being when we throw a temper tantrum just because the world is exactly like Jesus warned us it would be?

--april

Addicted to the 'net

2006-05-04T03:54:00.000-07:00

For a while, with an old (OLD!) computer, we were not able to really use the internet to its full potential. Now, we have a new computer, and I'm becoming addicted. I started this blog because I was inspired by other blogs that I've visited, but I'm finding out that there's so much on the internet I want to read that I don't have time to post.
So, here are some sites that I can't seem to stop reading:

Relevant magazine

Think Christian

Here's my Bible reading plan on BibleGateway (I've been on day 5 for 5 days now, which just goes to show you how distracted I get).

The problem is that I just keep finding links to great things to read, which leads to other links to more great things to read, and pretty soon my 4-year-old is asking what's for lunch and I realize I'm a horrible mommy. This morning on ThinkChristian, I found a link to a quiz on the biblical references on the tv show Lost. I'm a huge fan of the show, but I'm not smart enough to pick up on all the subtleties. However, I'm not to proud to let other people point them out to me. Here's the quiz.

Check these out. Just remember to feed your kids today.

--april

Wow! I'm a blogger!

2006-05-02T17:53:00.000-07:00

Okay. So I've finally gone and done it: I've started the blog I've talked about for months. But why? Isn't that the question? I don't know if anyone will ever read any of this, so I guess I'm just doing it for me: for a reason to write, a way to keep track of my life, a new way to remember all of those thoughts that I'll forget in a year, a way to look back and see how I've changed (and hopefully grown). As a Christian, I want to know that God is working in my life and changing me for the better, but sometimes it's difficult to keep track of that maturity. Now, I can look back in a year and see if I've let God work in me and grow me into the person He wants me to be. And if not, I'll be able to see in what areas I need to give up some control.

And then there's the fellowship. I've lurked and read and commented on blogs for a while, and what I've loved is the opportunity for authentic relationships with strangers. (What a strange concept.) When you can hide behind a keyboard, you don't have the need for a facade, and you can be as vulnerable as you choose.

So, we'll see how it goes. I hope this all works and that I stick with it. If not, I guess I'll learn from that too.

--april